


A Brief Conversation

by vocal_bard (atrickstertype)



Category: Muppet Show
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 21:16:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atrickstertype/pseuds/vocal_bard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the way back from the Muppet Movie premiere, Rowlf learns a little about Sam.  Squint for pre-slash relationship.  AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Brief Conversation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [baniszew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baniszew/gifts).



> I sat down to right Muppet fic for the first time and realized that it was completely impossible. I couldn't hope for the humor Henson had managed, or even perfect characterizations. What does Rowlf think about when he's not onstage? I didn't know. But, at the last moment, I realized that I could write Rowlf, Kermit, and the others if I changed just one thing about them. Watching a clip of a conversation between Kermit and Sam on youtube reaffirmed that. So before you is a rather rushed AU where the Muppets are all humans. Changes have been made accordingly to some characters. Sorry it isn't stellar, but I hope you can still enjoy!

Okay, so it hadn't had the most imaginative title, and the special effects hadn't been that great, and it had been a load of lies from beginning to end. That didn't stop the cast from leaving the premiere of "The Muppet Movie" in great high spirits, convinced that it was going to be a sensation. Ralph thought that he'd be surprised if they didn't knock at least five pedestrians over on the way back to the Muppet Theater. They were kind of a mob, after all, and it wasn't as if anyone was paying attention to where they were going.

Kind of the opposite, actually. Ralph hadn't seen a party like this was shaping into since they had gotten the T.V. Deal. The whole crowd was talking, practically yelling in some cases, and considering the group that made it a huge racket. The swede (whose name he could neither remember nor pronounce) was talking at anybody who came near- probably about the movie. The band had pulled instruments from somewhere and was starting up a haphazard attempt at New Orleans Jazz, Janice using her guitar as an acoustic and Dr. Teeth leading them all with a long straw instead of a director's baton. Sweetums, their burly but none-too-bright bouncer, had hoisted Kermit up onto his shoulders and there he sat grinning; coke bottle glasses, green sweater vest, and all. Gonzo was waltzing through the crowd with a piece of cheese. Literally. Yes indeed, it was going to be quite a party.

And Ralph was right in the middle of the crowd with no way to escape. It wasn't that he didn't like parties. He did, mostly. Just not the parties that the Muppet Theater Group threw. To Ralph's way of thinking, parties that you could sit down and talk to friends, maybe have a drink or two, those were great. Parties where you had to worry about loose chickens in the rafters, small-scale explosions, or getting hit in the face with a rotten fish, not so much. But, seeing as there was no way he'd be able to stop without getting run over, he headed towards the Theater anyway.

Sometimes that still surprised him. They had a theater. It was mostly paid off, too, and with the way the show was going it was likely to stay that way. Sure, they had problems. But they had just premiered a movie! He looked up at Kermit and shook his head. Who'd have thought? Not him, that was for sure. When his old friend had offered him a job, he had thought it was a joke. After all, he was Rupert Theodore Barkman the third, who had been kicked out of Juliard because of his need to editorialize any piece he played. He hadn't thought that there was any job for a man who stopped in the middle of Fur Elise to tell the audience why Beethoven had written it, or exactly what key it was in. But that was exactly the kind of pianist the Muppets needed. Anyone more serious would have walked out about thirty seconds after being introduced to the crew.

He looked around for the only other semi-serious person in the crowd. Sam, it turned out, was flanked by two extras, some of Peggy's friends, both dressed in biking leathers. They were talking over him, seemingly unaware of his existence, and he looked even more uncomfortable than usual. Poor Sam. It didn't surprise Ralph that he was the only other person who didn't look like he was having fun. The same critics that called Kermit a frog because of his glasses, and Peggy "Piggy" for more obvious reasons called Sam "the eagle". It's not the worst name that he could have gotten, but Ralph had the sneaky suspicion that the name was more a reference to Sam's ridiculously patriotic bent than his pale bald head. Nobody "cool" had been conservative since the fifties. People put up with him, but there had been more than one quiet conversation wondering why he stayed around.

When they got to the theater the crowd sort of dispersed. Everybody had some errand to run, some bottle to get, something to do to add to the party. When Ralph looked around the lobby, it was practically empty. The only things left were him, the doors still swinging from the last person to go through, and Sam.

Well, there was no point in not being friendly. Ralph smiled, "Congratulations, Sam. We did it."

"What?" Sam looked around, as if surprised to be addressed. "Oh. Yes. The movie. I suppose congratulations are in order."

"I was talking about getting here in one piece" Ralph joked. "But I guess the movie was good too."

Sam didn't even smile. Ralph wondered if he recognized it was a joke. "Well, I have dealt with this... horde... for years. Tonight is no different." He stalked through the doors into the auditorium.

Ralph frowned and followed. "Hey. What do you mean, horde?"

"This theatre is full of freaks and weirdos."

"Well, yeah, but they're good guys. I don't think I'd call them a horde."

"Perhaps not. I would." Sam stopped walking about halfway down the aisle and looked back at Ralph. Did he ever stop glaring?

"Well, then why do you stay?" Everybody had been wondering for years, but Ralph was surprised to hear himself ask.

"What?"

"You don't have to be here, Sam. I don't think you're even on the payroll. Why do you stick around?"

And for once, Sam stopped glaring. There was a brief, terrifying, moment when Ralph thought he was going to cry. "Where else would I go?"

What did you say to something like that? Ralph opened his mouth, considered, and...

"To Bed!" cried a voice from a balcony. "Like any respectable person at this time of night!"

"Statler! I think we fell asleep in our box again!"

"Again? Did we miss the movie?"

"I think so!"

"Good!"

The two old men laughed and started bickering about how to get home. Ralph thought fast. Poor Sam. He didn't belong here, but if this was the only place he had to go... Maybe he should belong. After all, if everyone else could contribute...

"Sam, you ever heard of Gilbert and Sullivan?"

"No. Do they work here?"

"They wrote operas back at the beginning of the century."

"Ah, Italians."

"Nope, Americans. How would you like to help me bring some culture to this show?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they did this play called the Mikado. And I think it has a song you'd be just right to help me with."


End file.
